How I put myself in prison..

Some people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not me, I put myself there and threw away the key.. It wasn’t your t.v. version of prison, no this was maximum security solitary confinement. No space to move, no fresh air to breathe, no way of escape, and no one to even talk to. But, I chose that. I built the walls myself, I chose how tight the bars would be, I gave myself the cell away from anyone else. Why? Because I was so hurt! I was so full of shame and guilt! I hated the thought of ever hurting anyone again, but even more I hated the thought of ever getting hurt again! So almost starting from birth I built my prison. Each time someone called me worthless, a failure, not good enough, ugly, etc. I built more and more, laid down each brick. Every time I was molested by my uncle, every time I was betrayed by someone I loved deeply, every time I was hurt by someone else; that’s when I would build the bars. You see, the more walls I built, the more bars I put up, and the more confined to myself I became the safer it felt. That’s what you have to do to survive this world right? I mean my bestfriend & boyfriend at the time was murdered by people he looked up to. So yes I put myself in prison, and yes I kept my cell air tight! I was doing what I could to keep anyone from hurting me. Those emotional scars I had caused me to hurt other people, even people I loved. So you see, I couldn’t be trusted in general populace  with others who put themselves in prison. No, I had to be alone.

There was only one problem. Once you get in, you can’t get out by yourself. You start to realize that maybe this isn’t where you belong.. Now that you’re left to fend for yourself, and you’ve built so many walls you can barely breathe you realize this isn’t saving you. It’s killing you from the inside out. Yes, there is indeed someone standing guard making sure I don’t escape. He benefits way to much from having me there, and he would lose all of his authority and all of his power if he let me find a way out. So he watched me slowly fade away, and he tormented me daily. But what that guard didn’t realize is this: He wasn’t the only one with authority and power. He wasn’t the only one who had been watching me. So finally, I caught a glimpse of this man who could finally rescue me. I cried out to Him, begging Him to help me. Just to give me a bigger space, maybe a little less pain. The guard told me that I wouldn’t get free and that I didn’t deserve freedom. He was right about one thing, I definitely did not deserve freedom. When I cried out to the Head Authority, He didn’t waste any time. He not only opened my cell and set me free, but he helped me tear down the walls. It wasn’t enough for me to just get out of the cell. No, He made it so I could NEVER get put in that prison again, He destroyed every piece of the place that held me captive. He gave me freedom, He gave me peace, He took away my shame, and He gave me a love that can never be broken again.

This same savior who set me free is waiting to do the same for you. He loves you! Even if you’ve cursed Him like I did. Even if you’ve blamed Him for you being in the prison you actually built. Even if you’ve done enough to deserve this prison. Even if you’ve been forced there by other people’s wrong doings. He sees you. He doesn’t want this life for you, and He has the power to set you free. I don’t carry shame, guilt, bitterness, or any brokenness anymore. I buried it with my prison walls, and I’m begging you to do the same. It’s not enough that I got free, now I want you to be free too. It’s not too late, even if you feel like your death row sentence is about to be up, it’s not too late.

To hear the rest of my story check out the about tab to read my first blog.


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